I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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