You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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