That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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