Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think i peed on brittanys purse
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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