He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
