I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
