and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
