i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
