i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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