Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
