He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I deserve this hangover.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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