Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
