Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
