you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
