hotel room ftw
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
