Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
