ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
