I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
