i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
