Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
