found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
