Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
