My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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