I should be sponsored by Trojan
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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