did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
