After last night, I could never be a politician.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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