dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
