a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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