I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
