Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
