Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I love you. Go after that dick
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
