I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
