My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
