Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
