"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
