Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
