I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
