I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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