I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
