Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
