She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
