Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
