I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
