I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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