So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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