The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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