I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
