U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
