gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
