fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
