does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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